I Had My First Therapy Appointment
Mental health awareness are few of the many buzzwords that go around in daily conversations these days, and rightfully so. Throughout the last few years, I applauded those finally seeking help, finally getting the validation for their feelings, and finally advocating for themselves. To seek therapy or to heal from it is one of the best things to come out of the pandemic, where wellness has been a major focus. But for some reason, I refrained from venturing into it myself. For quite some time, maybe even embarrassingly so, I made excuses, avoided the topic, and watched others go through therapy from the sidelines. I wasn’t entirely sure why. Looking back, I see that my ego and insecurity simultaneously got in the way. Ego told me that I could “fix” myself on my own - I didn’t “need” anyone. I could work on my fitness, meditation - I could start journaling! I have a good social support system and people I can talk to. Why would I pay someone to talk to about my issues?
On the other hand, I was insecure. I thought that my issues were so trivial compared to other people I knew who have been in or starting therapy. How could I talk about having struggles with my parents when other people don’t even have parents? How could I talk about not feeling academic success when others can’t even afford college? How could I talk about financial anxiety when I’ve never known the struggle of not being able to pay bills or afford my education? I felt insecure about my issues (crazy, I know). I thought that admitting my struggles were vain and selfish. I was scared that if I did find a therapist, and they responded to my issues with the same cruelness that I approached them, I would be stuck in the perpetual cycle between wanting help and feeling like I didn’t deserve it. I assumed that everyone would see right through me, see me as a fraud who complained with no actual reason why.
When the days where my mental health was doing so poorly, I just told myself to push through. That it will be fine. And in many ways, that’s true. Bad days will always pass. But so will the good days. I would find myself getting upset about the same things over and over again: misunderstandings with my Korean parents, the feeling of needing to fix everyone’s problems, major anxiety about my career path, and fear of friendships ending. It took me a very long time to admit that I don’t have to handle it all - that I can’t handle it all. It took me a very long time to realize that my issues are real issues - there is no threshold for pain to want therapy. I’m blessed to have what I have, but that does not diminish what I go through. Gaining sympathy for myself was an extremely long process.
But there was still a barrier even after I realized those two things. These were the thoughts that plagued my head: “Does anyone even want to listen to what I have to say? I don’t want to burden anyone with my issues. I feel like I’m being too much - I should’ve figured that out on my own.” I hated being a burden to anyone. So much so that I was worried I would burden my therapist, someone who would basically be paid to listen to my issues. The thing is, friends, partners, and family can only do so much. None of those roles equate to therapist. Therapists are there to listen to you, without the potential for burden. I never have to feel like I’m talking too much about myself because this time is solely dedicated to doing just that. I talk and talk, and even if it isn’t some groundbreaking revelation about my life’s issues, I know that in this period I can be selfish, say what I want to say, and have someone to listen. That’s the basis of therapy, I’ve come to realize in my few sessions so far. There is something so freeing about knowing that you aren’t “burdening” your listener. And in turn, I have found that I am less angry or resentful when a partner, friend, or family member doesn’t say the right comforting words or not giving me the attention and guidance I need all the time. First, it’s not their job. And second, I find that comfort and guidance elsewhere. That’s the best part.
Therapy has been great, so far. If you’re thinking it may time to find one, I highly suggest you do. Go to PsychologyToday.com to find one based on your location, insurance, and fit. I guarantee it will change your life, even if you don’t notice it right away.