How I Became Mindful as a Non-mindful Person
I have always prided myself on the go, go, go mindset. Being able to grind for hours on an assignment or study for an exam would drain all my mental and physical strength, but if it resulted in an A I didn’t care. Whenever I felt stagnant in my taekwondo training, I would push myself even harder the next day. Whenever I felt like I was in a lull, I distracted myself with something. Instagram, Twitter, whatever. I would wake up and go to bed thinking about the next day’s to do list or if I finished my to-do list for today. And for a while, it was the structure I needed. I couldn’t afford thinking about anything else - I simply didn’t have the time.
But then the COVID-19 pandemic hit, and all the go, go, go was taken from my day to day. I had no meetings, no extracurriculars, no classes to go to, and all my assignments/exams were online anyway. I had no legitimate reason to get out of bed. At first, I thought, “Thank god I have this break. Nice little vacation.” But that soon turned into a feeling of confinement, worry, and boredom. I spent pretty much all of my time on social media and eating take-out. I would wake up and go to bed thinking about nothing. I was just existing. I didn’t want to think about anything - there was no point. Life moved on outside my bedroom window, and I would get through the COVID semesters by doing the bare minimum. I felt like I had no purpose, while before the pandemic I was too distracted to focus on such matters.
Eventually, my mental state got to the point where I felt like nothing mattered. Why do I need to go to the gym? Why do I need to read a book? Why do I need to do any of my hobbies? I just wanted to scroll through TikTok and live vicariously through other people. I didn’t take one moment to reflect on what my days had become - what I had become. A robot - that’s how I would define myself during that time. All I needed to do was survive and complete the few miscellaneous tasks I had for that day, whether it was seeing some friends or applying to jobs. When I went to bed, I scrolled through social media more. Why not? Nothing really mattered.
I remember the exact moment I decided I wanted to change. I was scrolling through some photos on my phone, and I came up on a photo from before the pandemic, where I was smiling and looking happy with my friends and family. It took me back to that singular moment. I realized that I had convinced myself that life was meaningless. I had convinced myself that if I didn’t have a million things on my plate, I would just reject it all and wither away in bed. I realized that even with the dramatic change in life due to the pandemic, I had convinced myself to live life just going through the motions. I never took the time to enjoy the day for what it was; instead, the day was just time for me to get things done or for me to scroll on my phone. It made my cynical and ungrateful. It made me annoyed at the task of life when others throughout the world are fighting for their own. The lack of perspective stemmed from the absence of mindfulness, of taking the time to sit and just be.
Mindfulness is defined as “a mental state achieved by focusing one's awareness on the present moment, while calmly acknowledging and accepting one's feelings, thoughts, and bodily sensations, used as a therapeutic technique” (Oxford Languages). For most of my life, I had thought mindfulness was stupid, rudimentary, and a poor excuse of a therapy for people with real mental illnesses. What is breathing in and out going to do for me? Is meditation even backed up by science? (Yes, it is, BTW). But at that moment of desperation, of wanting to find my way out of the hole I had dug for myself, I wanted to try anything. This didn’t come and make sense for me all in one day. I went through months of fighting back, giving up, and scrolling on TikTok some more. But over time, I set the intention of taking on each day by first taking the time to be (whether through meditation, yoga, etc.). And over time, I saw myself breaking away from the depressing cycle I had trapped myself into. Little by little, I saw myself with purpose - to live everyday instead of just doing everyday.
I’m not saying that being mindful solves life’s problems. It’s too naive to think that way. But being mindful has allowed me to slowly break free from my own confining, nihilistic thoughts. It’s also made me more grateful, putting my life’s daily struggles and annoyances into perspective when before they would’ve completely ruined my day. Of course, I still spend time on social media, and some days I don’t want to live vivaciously. But now, I wake up, be present, enjoy, and go to bed. It’s a much better way. If you are ever feeling like you have become a prisoner to life’s duties and commitments, it may be helpful to just reflect. Just be. You are the only one who can live your life. Life is full of things to do, but it’s also full of you. Take time to enjoy that.
